Your kids are about to find out that you and your spouse are divorcing.
Brace yourself.
It won’t be easy.
In fact, research from the CDC tells us that about 50% of kids will experience divorce in their lifetime. When they do, stats show they are 16% more likely to struggle with behavioral problems if their divorce occurred between the ages of 7 and 14.
But here’s the good news…
How you break the news can dramatically improve how they handle the divorce. A big part of this is working with family law attorneys who care about how divorce affects your family.
That being said…
There’s no cookie cutter guide for telling your kids about divorce. What you say to a preschooler should be different than what you tell a teenager. Children process information differently at each age, so you need to tailor your conversations accordingly.
Here’s what we’re going to cover:
- Why Timing is Key When Breaking the News
- Toddlers: Keep it Simple, Keep it Safe
- Elementary Age: When the Questions Get Real
- Teens: Brace Yourself, Here It Comes
- 4 Things You Should Never Say
Why Timing is Key When Breaking the News
Do you know what the number one mistake parents make?
Waiting too long to tell their children. Kids are perceptive and know when something is up. The longer you wait, the more they worry and create stories in their head.
Here’s the reality…
If your kids find out from someone else (like a school friend or neighbor), they will have an even more difficult time dealing with it. You want to be the ones to break the news to your kids.
On the flip side, you don’t want to tell your children about divorce until you’re sure it’s happening.
Believe me, kids pick up on those “we need to talk” vibes. If they walk into the room and you don’t end up divorcing, they will never trust you again to be sincere.So tell them as soon as you have a solid plan for moving forward and BEFORE big changes occur.
Toddlers: Keep it Simple, Keep it Safe
Having trouble with what to say to kids under 5?
KEEP IT SIMPLE. I cannot stress that enough.
Kids this age have no concept of the complexities of relationships and divorce. All they care about is who is going to take care of them. Who will feed them? Who will tuck them in at night? Who will play with them?
Here’s a script:
“Mommy and daddy are going to live in separate homes. You will have a bed at my house and a bed at dad’s house. We both love you.”
That’s it.
Your toddler does not need to know the reason behind the divorce or feel caught in the middle. They just need to know that both parents will continue to take care of them.
But here’s what most parents forget…
Toddlers don’t throw fits or demand answers when they’re upset. If your toddler is having a hard time with the divorce, look for these clues:
- Trouble sleeping
- Suddenly starts wetting the bed
- Becomes clingy
- Throwing tantrums
If you notice any of the above, your best course of action is to maintain your normal routine. Bedtime should be the exact same as before. Same meals. Same evening walk. Same Saturday morning pancakes. The more consistency you can provide, the better they will adjust.
Elementary Age: When the Questions Get Real
Alright, this is where it starts to get messy.
Children between 6-11 are old enough to understand that mommy and daddy aren’t getting along. But they aren’t old enough to understand why two fully capable adults can’t just…get along.
According to recent divorce stats, kids that go through a divorce are 35% more likely to experience health issues at this age.
So what do you say?
“Parents sometimes grow apart and have big disagreements we can’t fix. We love you so much and want what’s best for you, but living together is causing us to fight. We have decided that divorce is the only option. This isn’t your fault. You did not cause this, and you can’t make us stay together.”
Elementary kids will barrage you with questions. Why? Because they’re trying to figure out who is to blame.
- Will you get divorced?
- Where will I live?
- Can I still have my birthday party?
- Will I still be able to play soccer?
You’ll do great with honest answers. Keep them brief and don’t give too many details. Also, avoid speaking negatively about your ex at all costs. At this age, children will believe anything you say about your spouse – even if it’s not true.
PRO TIP: Divorce books for kids are your best friend. There are tons of children’s books about divorce. Have your kid pick one to read together. It will open up the door for discussion without your child feeling overwhelmed. Trust me.
Teens: Brace Yourself, Here It Comes
Teenagers are tough.
One minute they’re stomping around the house yelling about your divorce…the next they’re pushing you away and acting like nothing’s wrong.
What’s really going on?
Your teen has a new fear – the fear of ending up divorced themselves someday. Many teens feel like divorce is inevitable for all couples. They’re also old enough to understand that relationships are complicated.
Because of this, your teen will react to divorce much differently than your younger kids. They need reassurance that divorce is not the norm and that happy relationships do exist. But they’re also not going to come right out and ask you for that reassurance. It’s your job to provide it.
Here’s what works…
“Your sister/brother is going through a lot of emotions about our divorce. We understand that this divorce is difficult for you too. We wanted to try counseling, but it just wasn’t working. We have decided that what’s best for our family is to divorce. We will both always love you, but the way we show our love and relationship with each other will be different.”
Need more help?
If you’ve tried everything and your teenager still seems to be struggling, consider scheduling an appointment with a family counselor. Sometimes kids act out at home when they’re afraid to admit they need professional help.
4 Things You Should Never Say
If you could do just ONE thing to make this process easier on your children.
It would be to…avoid these conversation bombs.
(I know, I know. You’re going to have to pay super close attention to this section).
Promise me you won’t…
Let your kids give Dad (or Mom) divorce advice.
Make sure your kids know all the details about the divorce.
Say or do anything that encourages your child to pick sides.
Comparing your ex to other divorces your friends have dealt with.
Even though you and your spouse are divorcing, you’ll never win an argument in front of your kids. Don’t give them ammunition against your ex.
Wrapping Things Up
Breaking the news to your kids about divorce is never going to be easy.
But as long as you say the right things at the right age, they’ll handle the news much better than you think.
Just remember…
Match your conversation with your child’s age
Keep things simple and straightforward
Be honest with them, but don’t go into DETAILS
Try to maintain as much of a normal schedule as possible.
Most importantly…
Don’t EVER put your children in the middle of the divorce.
Need help? Contact us today!